Sheets on the seats and phoniness has Saint Dougie irked.

After looking around the panned television shots of the American Airlines Arena after the Heat went on their late overtime run last night to effectively matador the Bulls right out of the playoffs and after looking at these idiots in the crowd and seeing the tanned faces, the gold chains and the trophy wives repping phoniness personified? To quote my main man Colonel Frank Slade (a wonderful Al Pacino) in Scent of A Woman: “If I were the man I was five years ago, I’d take a FLAMETHROWER to this place!”

Meanwhile, a team that has not 1, not 2 but 3 of the top 6 from the USA’s gold medal winner in China in ’08, a team that was going to be the greatest of all time, win 70 games and 9 championships, a team that threw themselves a pre-season championship style pep rally, demolished the all-time record for chest bumps in a single sporting event last night. This chest bumping record was set after the big bad Heat beat a Bulls team at home with a 21 year old kid leading a group of players with nary an offensive threat in the mix. Charlie Sheen is jealous of all the chest bumps going on! Get yourself an 8 ball and some topless Goddesses and have at it, Chuck! Chest bumps all around! Winning indeed – winning South Beach style! Act like you humps are doing what you are SUPPOSED to be doing! Hell, you told us as much in the preseason! You didn’t beat the ’87 Lakers or ’98 Bulls. You beat the ’11 Bulls. At home. In Game 4. Chest bump worthy? Aww hell naw!

Oh, but the Bulls have the Coach of the Year in grizzled old Tom Thibodeau, right? Thibs? Can I call you Thibs? You might want to put down that 220 page defensive manual you swear by and pick up a copy of NBA Offense For Dummies, my man. I mean, after D Rose was repeatedly trapped on pick and rolls to the Bulls detriment time and again, you may have wanted to go to the complex John Wooden set that takes years to master – the flattened out 1-4! And if sticking with the high ball screen which yielded Rose an 8 for 27/7 turnover night was Coach of the Year’esque, Thibs really upped the ante down the stretch of the game by finally going to the 1-4. He went to it just in time to have the 6-2 Rose attempt to get quality shot attempts over the 6-8 and damn near as quick Lebron. So Rose fires up fade away biscuits multiple times to seal the Bulls fate. Coach of the Year indeed! Where’s Mike Brown when you need him? (My bad! He’s about to take the Laker job!)

So there you have it. The Heat are 1 measly win away from the Finals and they act like giddy little school girls. The rabid South Beach fans that don’t go to Dolphins, Marlins or Miami Hurricanes games are gleeful and celebrating their true fanhood and the Bulls coach of the year helps everyone out in the process. As for me? In Dirk I trust.

Lance Armstrong is a Cheater and a Liar

Let me see if I get this straight. Cycling is the most doped up, drug induced sport in the world, this is true and it’s not even close. And the person that dominated the sport for so many years never did any doping or drugging, right? That is what all the Lance Armstrong supporters want me to believe? So if that’s the case, then there are only two conclusions that can be drawn.
1) Lance is a liar and all his supporters have their heads in the sand. Or, 2) cyclists are the most pathetic and weak ‘athletes’ on the planet. How else does someone dominate a sport full of cheaters but not cheat themselves? Lance is THAT superior to everyone?! Really?!

Before I go any further, let me say that Lance’s overcoming cancer is a true story of inspiration for many people with cancer and to people in general. He didn’t give up when he could have, he battled through chemo and all that, and I don’t wish to detract from his story of survival. But this is not about overcoming cancer, this is about being a cheater in a sport filled with cheaters and Lance’s continued pleas of “I never did it”.

This story deserves even more attention because Alex Rodriguez is about to his his 600th home run, and people wish to disparage this achievement because A-Rod has admitted that he had used steroids in his past. How many home runs did A-Rod hit as a result of juicing? I don’t know, no one knows. How many did Mark McGwire hit as a result? There is no way to tell. But the outrage that is shown towards A-Rod’s accomplishments and the complete denial that is shown towards Armstrong’s accomplishments is mind boggling to me. Granted, cycling does not have the appeal in this country as baseball does, and that certainly explains a portion of the difference in attitudes. But there is more to it than that.

In my opinion, one of the biggest reasons that Lance gets a pass on being an obvious cheater, and now a perpetual liar, is that Lance is white and A-Rod is not. You don’t have to look any further that the difference in how A-Rod is treated when compared to McGwire and Roger Clemens.

So to all of you supporters of Lance Armstrong out there, remove your blinders and see what is the most glaring lie in sports right now. Lance Armstrong cheated, lied, is a cheater, and is a liar. Now go put on your tight shorts and go ride your bikes off of a cliff like the lemmings you are.